The War Within

No one has understood sin and the sin nature like the Puritans, particularly when it comes to the ongoing necessity (and struggles) of putting that sin nature to death. Here are a few gems from the Soli Deo Gloria republication (Morgan, PA, 1995) of Obadiah Sedgwick's (1600-1658) The Anatomy of Secret Sins.

Let a man set up any sin in delightful contemplation and meditation, that same inward acting of his sin, either actually casts him upon the outward adventures, or invites them. This is the least that it does. It strangely ripens his natural inclination; and, besides that, it prepares him for a temptation that suits that way. Satan shall not need to tempt him much who has already tempted himself: and he who will work sin in his heart, a weak occasion will draw it out into his life. Thirty pieces of silver will prevail with a covetous Judas, who already had gold as his master in his heart. (15)

[God] gives singular charge against secret sins. Why? Because He cannot endure any to be hypocritical. The man is to God what his inside is; if you work wickedness in your heart, God will destroy you. Plaster your visible part with all sorts of pious expressions, if yet you can set up a form of sinning within, you are notable hypocrites. (18-19)

Beloved, the main battle of a Christian is not in the open field. His quarrels are mostly within and his enemies are in his own breast. When he has re-formed an ill life, yet it shall cost him infinitely much more to reform an ill heart. He may receive so much power from grace at the beginning, as in a short time, to draw off from most of the former gross acts of sinning, but it will be a work all of his days to get a thorough conquest of secret corruptions. (22)

Satan does not stir a naked eye, but a filthy heart to look through that sinful window. He does not come to the hand and say 'Steal,' but first to the heart, which will quickly command the hand. He does not say immediately to the tongue, 'Swear and blaspheme,' but the heart, which can easily command that hellish language into the tongue. If you should pluck out your eyes and never see any object to excite your unclean heart, yet you may still be as filthy a person as before. Your own corrupt heart and Satan would incline you so. And though you never had a foot to go, or a hand to stir, yet you might be as much a thief as Judas. (23-24)

If you could get another heart, you would look with another eye. The only way to make temptations lose their force is to decline occasions and to cleanse the inward parts. (24)

For some awesome excerpts from John Owen's classic work on the mortificaiton of sin, click here.

When Christians Hear the Word

Sometimes I think I brag about the work that God is doing in our church too much. But then I get to speaking with brothers from other churches who are caught up in programs and boards and committees and all that stuff and they are so negative about church... it really makes me sad. They speak about the divisions and politics in their church and how much of a pain certain people are. It breaks my heart. Church, in so many places, seems to be so... distracted with things (just about any and every thing!) other than the word of God.

But it does help me to realize that there are a lot of churches out there that aren't full of Christians, where the word isn't preached, and where people don't love each other and get actively involved in each other's lives. That all makes me want to talk about our church more, because it makes me think that so much of what happens in 'evangelicalism' today is just merely a result of a whole generation of people being in dead churches. They've never seen what real, biblical, vibrant Christian church is... so they resort to programs and 'conversation' with the goal in mind of completely reinventing the wheel.

Let me just give you a glimpse of what life is like at GFC. A little while ago the Preacher was preaching through the first part of Romans 13, where Paul instructs the Roman Christians to be subject to authorities as to God. Since then I can tell you from experience that without me saying a word, I have been in cars with multiple people from our church who I know used to speed, who now consciously drive the speed limit.

A little while ago another brother happened 'just by chance' to be walking with his wife when he happened upon some people cleaning out (throwing out) a bunch of their office software. The great thing about this is that this brother had been convicted in his conscience by Romans 13 to clean off all his pirated software from his computer. Within days of taking this step of faith, not knowing how he would be able to continue to work on his computer, he 'happens' upon all the free software he needed. Awesome!

These are small things, yes, but they are microcosms. When the word is preached, Christians come. We are not the largest church around, that's for sure, but we are a church made up mostly of truly regenerate people. This is because true Christians are hungry for the word. When they hear it somewhere they stay there. When they stay there and submit themselves to the word as it is preached, the Spirit uses the word to bring about changes in their hearts. As their hearts are changed, their lives change. Sometimes in small ways, other times in large ways, but there is always change.

So I ask again, why look for new ways? Why try to reinvent church? Why try to get God to work in a way other than how he has said he will work? The church was created as a place where the word of God would be read publicly, expounded powerfully, and sung passionately... why do we need anything else? When you preach the word faithfully, you may not pack out the house, but you will fill it with Christians. And the Christians that come will be moved by the Spirit; they will respond with convicted hearts and changed lives. What more could you hope for than that?

The Chicken or the Egg?

After my last post (with regard to the miraculous gifts) evenmay made the comment, 'We should be open to and seek the miraculous, but we should not neglect to thank the Spirit for the ways he gifts his church that seem ordinary.' The first part of the sentence is what caught my attention, because it touches on another issue that's been floating around in my mind: the giving and receiving of the gifts.

Please bear with me if my questions here seem simplistic and practical, but I simply haven't moved in charismatic circles enough to know anything about this. We know that we are to eagerly desire the gifts... but what does that mean, really? If the giving of the gifts is truly the work of a sovereign God (which no one here would deny), then how does one 'desire' them in an 'effective' way (or is there an effective way)?

I have prayed to God many times, asking him for more of the Spirit. I have acknowledged to God that my position on this issue is underdeveloped--I am totally open to the possibility of the sign gifts continuing on even now, but I remain unconvinced. I know I want to prophesy... I know that if it means I experience more of the Spirit, then I want to speak in tongues, too. Is that fulfilling the command to 'desire' the gifts, or is there something more?

Here's the big question I'm getting at: Do I need to be entirely convinced of the reality of the ongoing nature of the gifts in order to receive them? Why would God wait till someone is totally convinced before giving them the experience of prophecy? Why wouldn't he give me a prophecy first so that I would know for certain that is the Lord speaking? I know that I would be convinced by a genuine experience of such a miracle...

If I am open to the Lord's working in my life in this way, and desirous of experiencing him in every appropriate way, is that enough? Or do I need to be fully convinced that tongues continue before I speak in tongues? I don't know of a biblical text to which I can directly refer, since obviously everyone at that point believed in the presence of the miraculous gifts at that point.

Is it wrong to desire something I'm not convinced is biblical? Is it wrong to seek an experience in order to validate theology?

Anyone got any practical suggestions?

Random Thoughts on the Sign Gifts

Attending WorshipGod06 (run by Bob Kauflin and Sovereign Grace Ministries)with Tim has given me lots to think about. Ever since Tim and I got back I've been mulling over the issues with regards to the 'sign' or 'miraculous' gifts. Here are some random thoughts I've been chewing on...

1. 1 Corinthians 13.8-13. This is not profound, but merely an acknowledgement of what the majority of evangelicalism has already said: these verses are not referring to the closing of the canon. Without this text, the intratextual evidence for any strong cessationist position is incredibly weak. To my knowledge this is the only text cessationists use to argue their position that Paul knew of the gifts coming to an end. Further, even if we could allow that this text is speaking of these gifts (tongues, prophecies, and knowledge), then why do we include things like the gift of healing in the list of gifts which have ceased?

2. Where do we draw the line? It seems to me that the categories of 'miraculous' or 'sign' gifts are somewhat artificially imposed on the New Testament text (like imposing the 'moral / civil / ceremonial' categories on the OT Law). Nowhere does it seem evident that such a distinction is made. Quite the contrary, in places like Romans 12.4-8 Paul lumps prophecy in with faith, service, teaching, exhortation, contributing, leading, acts of mercy, etc. What justification is there for picking and choosing which cease and which continue?

3. We need to know. The going line in our circles is that these are matters of secondary or tertiary importance to the gospel, and so we are united in our differences and able to fellowship with each other since we agree on the central issues. I agree with this. But I can't help but wonder how consistent it is. If there are people prophesying by the Spirit and we are saying that they're not, aren't we closing our ears to God's words to us? Aren't we guilty of denying a genuine work of God? Or if the opposite is the case and they're not really prophesying, but are saying they are, are they not false prophets? If they are putting false words in God's mouth is that something we can afford to call 'secondary'? I don't see how. I've been reading through Jeremiah lately and finding that God has some very harsh declarations against those who prophesy falsely in his name...

4. 'But they're not the New Testament gifts...'. This was one of Tim's (and mine as well) biggest complaints against the practising of the gifts that we saw at WorshipGod06. Simply put, what we saw did not line up with what we read in the New Testament. Now, as one who believes strongly in Sola Scriptura, I want to phrase very carefully what I say next, because I realize that variations of this thinking can be used to all kinds of nefarious ends. But as I think about the practising of the gifts described in Acts and then think about the gifts that I see today at Bible-centred places like Covenant Life Church, I have to ask, 'so what if they're different?' Again, I don't want to dismiss any biblical command or restrictions which are ongoing, but don't we often argue that the book of Acts is more 'descriptive' rather than 'prescriptive'? And if we're honest with ourselves, how much of what takes place on a Sunday morning in our church buildings actually resembles what the first believers did as they met 'day by day' anyway? So why is it such a big deal with the gifts? It seems that the more important (if one can speak in such terms) place to look for guidance on the practice of the gifts would be the epistles written to post-Acts churches. These epistles contain many instructions on how to practice the gifts in an ongoing sense and nowhere seem to indicate that they will cease. Places like Covenant Life Church, leaders like Bob Kauflin, and organizations like Sovereign Grace Ministries do seem to follow those instructions quite well. Everything is done decently and in order (more ordered, in fact, than many cessationist churches I've been in where no one even has an order of service written up).

Again, these are all just random thoughts not leading to any conclusions. They're just things I'm contemplating in the spare moments my brain manages to come across.

Any thoughts are more than welcome!

Good Stuff to Read

If you're like me, you can't help but feel horribly ignorant with regard to much of our Christian heritage. I know a few of the main figures, but very little aside from the biggest names.

It has been a wonderful blessing to study this past year or so under Dr Haykin at TBS because he has done so much to bring church history to life for me. Fortunately, he does it in a way that challenges you with very practical application to the Christian life that we live now. It is no mere academic exercise.

I'm currently going through a couple of Dr Haykin's books and have enjoyed another one previously, so I thought I'd recommend them to whoever thinks they'd like to make themselves a little more familiar with a couple of our forefathers in the faith.


I had the chance to read this book several years ago. It simply contains about 50 of Watts' lesser known hymns. Absolutely fantastic devotional material.






Oliver Cromwell is an absolutely fascinating character who is often written about and studied, but few have come to appreciate the Puritan spirituality that pervaded all of his life and his thought.





Whitefield is always a wonderful study. The devotion with which he writes stirs the heart.






These books are all available from the Joshua Press website and are all very inexpensive. The format is simple and easy to read: the first section contains writings by Dr Haykin overviewing the spirituality of the person in question. The other part of the book is made up of selections from their writings so that you can familiarize yourself with the figure in a firsthand sense by engaging with the primary sources (and you don't even have to go to a library!).

These books are absolutely wonderful because they introduce you to some key figures of our faith without being incredibly demanding of your time or mental energy. And as with everything Dr Haykin does, these books are primarily concerned with practical spirituality and how our lives can be more conformed to the image of Christ by the power of the Spirit now because of what these men wrote so long ago.

I have to...

My friend Josh decided to blog about my wife. Sweet.

Thoughts on Communion with God as Friendship

Thomas Goodwin offers these thoughts on communion with God as friendship, and how this concept should shape our devotional life. Do we serve out of duty or delight?

Mutual communion is the soul of all true friendship and a familiar converse with a friend hath the greatest sweetness in it ... [so] besides the common tribute of daily worship you owe to [God], take occasionto come into his presence on purpose to have communion with him. This is truly friendly, for friendship is most maintained and kept up by visits; and these, the more free and less occasioned by urgent business ... they are, the more friendly they are. ... We use to check our friends with this upbraiding, You still [always] come when you have some business, but when will you come to see me? ... When thou comest into his presnce, be telling him still how well thou lovest him; labour to abound in expressions of that kind, than which ... there is nothing more taking with the heart of any friend.

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As cited in JI Packer, A Quest for Godliness (Wheaton: Crossway, 1990), 208.

Why we don't see answers to prayer

Tim Challies recently posted some reasons why God will not answer our prayers. About the same time I was wondering about unanswered prayer and got to thinking that perhaps much of what we call unanswered prayer is really prayer that we simply don't see answered. The reasons for this could be legion, but here's one that stuck out to me: Many times we don't know what we're praying for, or what the answer will look like.

Our church recently held a 'week of prayer.' In one of the meetings we focused on prayers of contrition as a theme, emphasizing our absolute dependence on God for all things. In our last meeting we prayed prayers of dedication to God, committing our future plans and ministry hopes to him to do with as he sees fit. In both of these cases many prayers were offered to God, begging him to keep us humble and to demolish pride in all its subtle forms in our hearts.

That got me to thinking.

Those are wonderful and biblical things to pray! But how do we know when those prayers have been answered? Sometimes I think we expect God to answer those prayers by simply changing our hearts overnight so that we never are tempted to pride again. But that's not a biblical expectation.

What is a more likely answer to that prayer? It's more likely that God will bring hardships or persecution. He may allow me to fall into some sort of sin, or else have some secret sin in my heart exposed before others. It is in these types of ways that God strips us of our self-reliance and our sinful, blind desire for and pride in autonomy. Pride is too deeply ingrained in our personalities, thought processes, and decision-making capacities for us to deal with it any other way.

How can we put pride to death when we don't know where it is?

Looking back over my life I can see that many times God has answered my prayers in ways that I have not expected. More often than not when I sincerely pray for humility and for the Lord to destroy sin in my life, that prayer is answered with suffering or the exposure of sin in my heart. The trouble is that since I wasn't expecting this as an answer to prayer, I don't see it as one at the time, and then I get upset and cry out, 'Why would you let this happen to me, God?'

But it's all grace. He gives grace in the trial, he gives grace for increased faith, he gives grace as he humbles us so that we might increasingly depend on him in love.

This is just one example, but I think it illustrates the point well. From our end prayers often seem to go unanswered. I wonder if often we are just looking for the wrong type of answer.

Just for fun, here's an awesome hymn by John Newton that illustrates the same point:

I asked the LORD that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, his face.

‘Twas he who taught me thus to pray,
And he, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favoured hour,
At once he’d answer my request;
And by his love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with his own hand he seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

LORD, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“‘Tis in this way, the LORD replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in me.”

Running Well: Ministry Accountability

Wow! It's good to be RC Sproul. Anyone want to take a guess at how much money he's raking in through his ministry? How about Billy Graham?

Take a wild stab, then see how close your guesses are by clicking here.

'The sun's in my eyes...'

This morning, as my wife and I were making the commute in to the downtown area of Toronto (I drop her off at work before heading in to the seminary) we hit traffic. Now, for anyone who knows anything about Toronto, you'll know that hitting traffic in Toronto is like getting wet in the rain--this is not a big surprise.

What was surprising was where we hit the slow-down. Usually at this spot in our trip, the traffic is moving well, so I began to wonder what the deal was. Then we came around a bend in the road and I realized, 'ah, we're heading east, around sunrise' (can't wait for those clocks to shift...). I said to Stacey something to the effect of, 'rats, we've got the sun in our eyes.'

And then I stopped to take another look. I was overwhelmed for some reason this morning by the brightness of the sun (maybe the fact that it was rising directly in front of my eyes had something to do with it...). As 'chance' (i.e. providence) would have it, just as those words were out of my mouth the song 'Your Holy Majesty' by Mark Altrogge (who doesn't love Mark Altrogge?!) came on our stereo. Of course, the first verse has these words:

You are high above all things
The heavens can’t contain
Your radiance and Your beauty
You shine brighter than the sun
I’m ravished and undone
You’ve conquered me completely
Now I am longing for the time
When I will see Your (holy majesty)

I had to chuckle out loud. God is so good!

Immediately my thoughts turned heaven-ward. The heavens are the largest possible expanse we can fathom, but they can't contain the radiance and the beauty of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus. He shines brighter than the sun!

What an awesome thought!

I started thinking about what an incredible sensation it will be to be completely surrounded, engulfed, warmed--totally and truly delighted--in the glory and splendour of the one who loved my soul enough to die for me.

Of course, this isn't Mark's own original concept. He's building off of some large biblical images, not the least of which is Rev 21.23-25:

And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb. By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will bring their glory into it, and its gates will never be shut by day—and there will be no night there.

Some Christians these days say we need to not think about heaven so much and to start thinking about this world more, since that's where we live now. I agree that as Christians we need to be salt & light in this world, but never, ever, not even for a second, will I agree that we need to think less about death and the realities of heaven and hell. There is nothing that delights my heart more in all the world than the reality of the hope of one day seeing the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ--finally being able to be with him. He is all my glory and all my delight.

For now we know in part... then we shall see him, the lover of our souls. I only regret that I am so slow to turn my own heart and my thoughts to him and the realities of heaven and it often requires great acts of providence such as this to get me there.

Here are all the words for the Altrogge song, 'Your Holy Majesty.' You can hear a clip of it here:

You are high above all things
The heavens can’t contain
Your radiance and Your beauty
You shine brighter than the sun
I’m ravished and undone
You’ve conquered me completely
Now I am longing for the time
When I will see Your

Holy Holy Majesty
Your glory and Your splendor
Holy Holy Majesty
You fill my soul with wonder
And unspeakable delight
At just the sight
Of Your Holy Majesty

Why would You shed Your own blood
For those who spurned Your love
And so many times refused Your grace
Why would You take up our curse
Why did You love us first?
Oh You deserve eternal praise
Now I am longing for the time
When I will see Your

Mark Altrogge (c) 2001 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)
All rights reserved. Use only by permission.

Strengthened With All Power...

Here's something I wrote a few years back when the preacher was in Colossians (I think). I just came across it on my computer and so I thought I'd throw it up here in hopes that it might encourage some.

-----------

"... strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might,
for the attaining of all steadfastness..." - Col. 1:11

It is not with any human power that the Christian overcomes sin. In iniquity we are conceived and in iniquity we dwell from the womb to the grave, except by the grace of God. We were all dead in transgressions and sins, and we all served the prince of this world. The Lord looks into our hearts and sees they are desperately wicked and deceitful above all else. He sees that every intention of every thought is only evil continually. He sees that the carnal mind is at enmity with Him and cannot submit itself to Him—nor would it. We were slaves to sin, and without the grace of God at this very moment, you, Christian, are still a slave to your passions. It is only through the strengthening that He provides that we have power. And what power! Were you to live a thousand lives in a thousand lands, you could never behold the great power of our God. When my God appears and demands of man, "Gird up your loins ... I will ask you and you will instruct Me", who is he that can stand? No man can stand before my God.

God has brought us to Christ Jesus and preserved us so that neither tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril, sword, death, life, angels, principalities, things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any created thing can separate us from Him! He is the Creator and in Him all things hold together and have their being. Behold the power of your God!

So what is this power to you and to me? It is the power available for the mortifying of sin—the power to make us steadfast. Do you long for integrity? Do you long to see victory in the darkest corners of your heart? Then call on God to give you this power! When temptation comes to despair, remember that when God is for us—though all the world may strive against us—we are more than conquerors through His power!

Are you afraid to ask? Remember Christ's promise that "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you." And as Paul encouraged Timothy, we have not been given a spirit of timidity, but one of power! Take hold of this power and destroy the idols in your heart, Christian!

Are you afraid your request will fall on deaf ears? "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" Christian, take heart, and go forth this day and be steadfast—for the Lord Himself strengthens you.

Spurgeon on Meditation

Good old C.H. Spurgeon had these words to share as he commented on Ps 119.15:

We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. Truth is something like the cluster of the vine: if we would have wine from it, we must bruise it; we must press and squeeze it many times. The bruiser’s feet must come down joyfully upon the bunches, or else the juice will not flow; and they must well tread the grapes, or else much of the precious liquid will be wasted. So we must, by meditation, tread the clusters of truth, if we would get the wine of consolation therefrom. Our bodies are not supported by merely taking food into the mouth, but the process which really supplies the muscle, and the nerve, and the sinew, and the bone, is the process of digestion. It is by digestion that the outward food becomes assimilated with the inner life. Our souls are not nourished merely by listening awhile to this, and then to that, and then to the other part of divine truth. Hearing, reading, marking, and learning, all require inwardly digesting to complete their usefulness, and the inward digesting of the truth lies for the most part in meditating upon it. Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God’s Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord, and be this our resolve this morning, “I will meditate in thy precepts.”

In our day it is trendy to be busy. We think we're important if we're the busiest person in any crowd, always in a rush to get on to the next thing. May God give his people grace to make the time to meditate on his word, making it always our priority.

The Christ of Isaiah

In my own devotions I've just finished reading through the book of Isaiah. I must say that I think one of the reasons why our churches today are so weak and shallow, and have such a small view of God is that we don't read our whole Bible. I know so many Christians who just simply don't want to read the Old Testament for one reason or another. What a tragedy!

This time through Isaiah has been my favourite so far. Isaiah's God is so wonderfully transcendent, yet so amazingly concerned for the poor; so profoundly righteous, so awesomely just; forever concerned with making the whole world to know that he--YHWH--is God, and there is no other.

One of the other things that really struck me this time is how much the apostle Paul quotes Isaiah. It's amazing! I don't know how I never noticed it before. And not just Paul, either--the New Testament authors seem to love the book of Isaiah. The cool thing is that so many times when an NT author quotes Isaiah it is to say some pretty remarkable things about our Lord Jesus. Here are just a few examples that stuck out to me the past couple of days.

1. Isaiah 60.1-2, quoted in Ephesians 5.14. This passage in Ephesians 5 is cool because Paul takes a saying of Isaiah about YHWH and then directly applies it to the New Covenant believers in Ephesus, saying that all the truth of the person and holiness of God is found in the man Christ Jesus, who is none other than God himself.

2. Isaiah 60.19-20, quoted in Rev 21.23 and 22.5. Make sure you read both of those references. In Isaiah the promise is given that in the New Jerusalem there will be no need of sun or moon YHWH (his specific, personal name) will be the light in that place for his people. In Revelation, John says that the glory of God--which is paralleled with the lamb of God (i.e., Jesus) will be the light. In other words, Jesus and YHWH are One. Now this is an obvious theme throughout Revelation, but it's that much cooler when you read it in the context of Isaiah and all that you've heard over the past 60 chapters about the glory of God.

Too often we either don't want to read our Old Testament or else we read it as quickly and superficially as possible because we think it has nothing to say to us. In reality, all its truth speaks of Jesus, who has everything to do with us if we claim to be Christians.

So get in the Word! Remember that every word is God-breathed and useful to us, so that we can be equipped to do the work of God that he has called us to.

It's no excuse, but...

I've been blogging infrequently since I've been back in town lately. 'Why,' you ask? Thanks for your concern. For one thing, it's our 'Autumn Week of Prayer' at church, which has kept me out at prayer meetings every day. For another thing, I've started back into classes this week. Normally that's pretty manageable... unfortunately, this year I've started Hebrew. Oi.

For those of you who'd be interesting in seeing something a little bit fun, check this site out. Our Hebrew Prof recommended it.

Back to the grindstone for now...

Start of the School Year

Well, another year is getting underway at TBS. As a result, I'll be away for the next few days at a staff / student retreat up north-east of here. Kirk Wellum (or "kwellum" as the preacher likes to call him) will be preaching several messages to us from the word. I hope to post some reflections on my return.